lemon_says: (Hockey words)
[personal profile] lemon_says
Forgive me my ambiguity. While you are otherwise perfect, apparently I need to clarify a couple of points.

1. All those times I said, "Please do not leave dishes with food on them on the sink or counter," what I actually meant was, "OMGWTFBBQ STOP LEAVING FOOD SCRAPS IN THE SINK AND ON THE COUNTER JUST RINSE IT DOWN THE SINK OR PUT IT IN THE TRASH JESUS H. CHRIST IT'S NOT THAT HARD I DO IT EVERY DAY."

1a. Included in this is slightly-used paper towels. Stop folding them and leaving them on the counter. YOU AREN'T GOING TO USE THEM AGAIN. I stopped buying paper towels for ages because this is a family of paper towel abusers. Use a towel or a rag, or a cloth napkin. There should never, ever be paper towels lying around on the counter. When it has served it's purpose, you may throw it into the trash or the recycle bin, depending on level of contamination. DON'T LEAVE IT ON THE COUNTER EVER AGAIN.

2. When I said, "Please turn your clothes right side out," I did not mean, "Hey, it's cool. I already am doing laundry half the day, so go ahead and leave it however you want because I LOVE to spend half an hour flipping clothes right-side out." What I meant was, "TURN YOUR OWN DAMN CLOTHES." You might notice that many items have been returned to your dresser wrong-side-out. Laundry is returned with the orientation in which it was received. Check before leaving the house to see if your label is sticking out.

2a. Check your own pockets.

3. What I meant by, "Please do not use the ottomans as a dumping ground for your things," I meant, "Stop leaving your shit where it doesn't belong."

3a. When I say, "I don't find that ornamental," what I mean is, "Just because you CAN hang your hat/dirty socks/backpack/daddy-pack/bike helmet from that doesn't mean you have to." It also means, "Do we really need a stack of something on every horizontal surface?"

4. When I suggest that you have a snack that you can prepare yourself, I do not mean that if none of the many, many items in the Help Yourself Box (selected with your assistance) suit you I will hop up from what I'm doing and make you the elaborate snack you crave.

5. I realize that the last week has been very busy and full of delightful activities. That doesn't mean every day for the rest of the summer will. I do not have to "make it up" to you when you have to go to Kroger with me, particularly when there is food I will eat here. I can live on toast if I have to, so unless you want to join me, quit your bitching and get in the car.

So, my darlings, my precious, I love you dearly and am delighted by you nearly every moment, but I fear that my ambiguity about these few items has caused some confusion. I hope that this missive lends some clarity so that you will always be sure you are doing the Correct Thing, and I will not be stomping around muttering under my breath and wondering why the hell I am the only one who notices that there is petrified food on the counter and piles of things everywhere.
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July 2011

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