lemon_says: (Hip)
[personal profile] lemon_says
Tomorrow is Hip Day.

It will, I'm sure, be like any other day, but I tend to feel a bit ominous on the 25th. I can't shake off the knowledge that when you go to bed, you have no idea under what circumstances you'll go to bed the next night. Three years ago today I was fine; three years ago tomorrow I wasn't and got a permanent parking pass to prove it (as I should have; I mean, really, what is the point of being handicapped if you can't get at least good parking and board the airplane first?).

I have these moments where I think, Jesus, this should not have been this big a deal; I should not still be dealing with this three years later, and I suppose that it's possible that that line of thinking is behind why I still have trouble dealing with some aspects of this mess (along with that whole only-semi-functioning leg thing).

I do wonder if I'll ever be able to shed the last of the apprehension and look down, to stand near the railing without flinching or climb a ladder and breathe at the same time. Maybe someday I'll get out of bed and my first thought won't be is this leg going to hold. I guess in the meantime my hands will still sometimes shake, and I will sometimes still dream about seeing my feet in the air and the terrible sound of cracking on impact. And though I get closer to accepting the permanence of all of this, I'm not there yet and I still get pissed off and miss my old body.

So, even though you'd think I had learned my lesson at one year, when that magical anniversary didn't mean it was all just fine, or at two, when I was still limping, I guess I really still haven't. I read that article where the guy who broke his kind of like mine, only in fewer pieces, said that five years later he felt almost like himself again, and I think, two more years to go.

Date: 2011-07-26 01:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dcart.livejournal.com
I hope it happens for you and sooner rather than later.

Date: 2011-07-26 07:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lemon-says.livejournal.com
Thank you. I was talking about it with friends today and one asked if I would change it, as she knows a woman who, despite being left paralyzed after an accident, says she wouldn't because of the things that have resulted.

Hell, I think I'd change it. I didn't get some Hollywood insight into the depth of human character. I'm not a better person who floats on a cloud of Zen.

Date: 2011-07-26 07:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dcart.livejournal.com
I understand. I don't have it as badly as you, but I'd give up every lesson I've learned from it to have had a functional and fully original knee for the last 21 years.

Date: 2011-07-26 01:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xavi7734.livejournal.com
*thinking of you*

Date: 2011-07-26 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lemon-says.livejournal.com
Thank you. It has been easier this year.

Thinking of you

Date: 2011-07-26 01:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tminb.livejournal.com
I wish I had some words of wisdom or humor for this - but I don't. I just hope it gets better and at 5 years you also are saying that you feel like yourself again (although I hope it happens sooner). You are an amazing person and I love reading your posts. I wish I could write like you do.

FYI, the 28th is the 3 year anniversary of our fire. We got a better house in almost every respect - but I will always consider that my "lost" year.

Re: Thinking of you

Date: 2011-07-26 07:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lemon-says.livejournal.com
Me either. I was misled by the movies into believing that all of us cripples get deeper and wiser, but I'm pretty much the same. ;)

I didn't realize it was the same year. Did ANYONE have a good 2008?? It was a devastating year for several of us.

And thank you. I'm lucky to have you.

Date: 2011-07-26 02:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] morningloryblue.livejournal.com
I sure do hate that you have to have this memory, the anniversary, and the lasting effects. I sure hope at the five year mark you'll be able to report a whole lot of progress. And, I will be right here to cheer you on from the balcony!

Date: 2011-07-26 07:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lemon-says.livejournal.com
It's a little better this year, so I'm thinking maybe I'm at least on the right track. :)

Date: 2011-07-26 02:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] travellight.livejournal.com
I wish I could grab that day back and tuck it in a book I'll never read.

Date: 2011-07-26 07:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lemon-says.livejournal.com
You and me both, sister.

Date: 2011-07-26 05:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] themysteriousg.livejournal.com
You've got a dinner date lined up, right? Or something nice?

I don't have much useful to offer. The very selfish, I'm so glad you're still here because a) i love your writing and b) i haven't got to meet you in person yet and it's on my bucket list now. So you know, selfish but there it is.

You've managed this all with grace and perfection and being human and ranting and going on in a way that a lot of people couldn't or wouldn't do.

I keep telling myself that each year you do get better but I'd still snatch that day right back just as quick as I can so you don't have to keep going through it.

Date: 2011-07-26 07:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lemon-says.livejournal.com
Not a dinner date, but I spent most of the day with two of the best friends a person can have, so it was a really, really nice day so far.

Thank you. :) And you're one of the people I really think needs to just pack up and move your ass out here.

Date: 2011-07-26 06:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] heathrow.livejournal.com
I'll be thinking of you all day.

Date: 2011-07-26 07:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lemon-says.livejournal.com
Thanks. :) I'm doing pretty well today, better than I expected. It's still hard to think about too much, but I'm here and I'm all right.
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