lemon_says: (Hip)
[personal profile] lemon_says
Tomorrow is Hip Day.

It will, I'm sure, be like any other day, but I tend to feel a bit ominous on the 25th. I can't shake off the knowledge that when you go to bed, you have no idea under what circumstances you'll go to bed the next night. Three years ago today I was fine; three years ago tomorrow I wasn't and got a permanent parking pass to prove it (as I should have; I mean, really, what is the point of being handicapped if you can't get at least good parking and board the airplane first?).

I have these moments where I think, Jesus, this should not have been this big a deal; I should not still be dealing with this three years later, and I suppose that it's possible that that line of thinking is behind why I still have trouble dealing with some aspects of this mess (along with that whole only-semi-functioning leg thing).

I do wonder if I'll ever be able to shed the last of the apprehension and look down, to stand near the railing without flinching or climb a ladder and breathe at the same time. Maybe someday I'll get out of bed and my first thought won't be is this leg going to hold. I guess in the meantime my hands will still sometimes shake, and I will sometimes still dream about seeing my feet in the air and the terrible sound of cracking on impact. And though I get closer to accepting the permanence of all of this, I'm not there yet and I still get pissed off and miss my old body.

So, even though you'd think I had learned my lesson at one year, when that magical anniversary didn't mean it was all just fine, or at two, when I was still limping, I guess I really still haven't. I read that article where the guy who broke his kind of like mine, only in fewer pieces, said that five years later he felt almost like himself again, and I think, two more years to go.
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July 2011

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